I read a bunch of bipolar blogs yesterday and all I could think was that "man, no one sounds like they've got it together". The writing was especially atrocious.
And then I looked at myself and saw a wreck as well. For all the ups I've had, the downs have been impacting and leave me rolling on the ground. I'm starting to feel weak and ashamed of myself, my physical health is as bad as my mental health...and I'm pretty sure this attitude will change in the next 2 hours, then revert after that.
*sigh*
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Picking Up the Reins
Almost 2 years ago I started this blog as an outlet for my emotions regarding bipolar disorder. About a year ago, I ran out of time to post in it and honestly thought I was doing fine. I ignored the fact that I wasn't sleeping well again starting in the summer and the obvious signs of depression: restless sleep, sleeping too many hours, staying at home all the time, avoiding people, crying jags, etc. Occasionally, I'd have the hypo manic streaks of productivity with a feeling of being unable to control myself. Sometimes the symptoms would pop up while I was sick which led to some odd driving and social situations.
In any case, I am now unemployed without a doctor or therapist. Granted, I have my degree now and it's only been 2-3 months. I still feel the social pressure to get a job though so that fact is only cold comfort. I stay in now to save energy and money but I also worry that I'm still spending too much despite moving in with a friend. To get a sense of how much I spend on basics:
$225 - student loans
$300 - rent and communal groceries
$ 80 - personal groceries
$ 87 - cell phone
$ 80 - weekly snacks/misc errands
$186 - train pass
$160 - weekend expenses
$ 60 - gas
$ 40 - meds
I realize that I could try cutting out the weekend expenses and common advice is to "cut down your cell phone bill". But I really don't want to mooch off my friends when having lunch (which seems to cost at least $10 no matter where you go) and to switch cell phone plans costs a couple hundred dollars. No matter what, there is at least $600 to be paid each month. So I can't really think of a way to cut down the bulk of my expenses.
That and...what people don't seem to realize is that having a mood disorder can be costly. Not only do you have to pay for meds and treatment, but you also need to keep yourself stable by eliminating stressors. For me, stressors include failure to achieve goals, lack of good news, skimping on food and feeling socially pressured. The first two stressors are problematic because they send me on a mini-roller coaster everyday. My mood can deviate several notches over a couple hours this way and when it really hits bottom, I tend to go sleep for 2-3 hours. This all gets worse if I'm off my meds or have an illness. Today, I have a sore throat, so I haven't taken my meds. You can imagine what today will be like. Food is probably my biggest expense beyond exercise classes. I like pretty clothes and whatnot but I can usually stave off the temptation to buy things by reminding myself the trouble of using them (i.e. setting up technology, dry cleaning dresses, etc). Food though - I can crave a particular food for days until I get it. Finally...well right now I'm feeling socially pressured to get a job, be frugal, make money, and reap achievements. This may be the norm for everyone but right now its tearing me apart.
Perhaps all these things are the result of a personality flaw, but nonetheless, it is causing a lot of problems.
In any case, I am now unemployed without a doctor or therapist. Granted, I have my degree now and it's only been 2-3 months. I still feel the social pressure to get a job though so that fact is only cold comfort. I stay in now to save energy and money but I also worry that I'm still spending too much despite moving in with a friend. To get a sense of how much I spend on basics:
$225 - student loans
$300 - rent and communal groceries
$ 80 - personal groceries
$ 87 - cell phone
$ 80 - weekly snacks/misc errands
$186 - train pass
$160 - weekend expenses
$ 60 - gas
$ 40 - meds
I realize that I could try cutting out the weekend expenses and common advice is to "cut down your cell phone bill". But I really don't want to mooch off my friends when having lunch (which seems to cost at least $10 no matter where you go) and to switch cell phone plans costs a couple hundred dollars. No matter what, there is at least $600 to be paid each month. So I can't really think of a way to cut down the bulk of my expenses.
That and...what people don't seem to realize is that having a mood disorder can be costly. Not only do you have to pay for meds and treatment, but you also need to keep yourself stable by eliminating stressors. For me, stressors include failure to achieve goals, lack of good news, skimping on food and feeling socially pressured. The first two stressors are problematic because they send me on a mini-roller coaster everyday. My mood can deviate several notches over a couple hours this way and when it really hits bottom, I tend to go sleep for 2-3 hours. This all gets worse if I'm off my meds or have an illness. Today, I have a sore throat, so I haven't taken my meds. You can imagine what today will be like. Food is probably my biggest expense beyond exercise classes. I like pretty clothes and whatnot but I can usually stave off the temptation to buy things by reminding myself the trouble of using them (i.e. setting up technology, dry cleaning dresses, etc). Food though - I can crave a particular food for days until I get it. Finally...well right now I'm feeling socially pressured to get a job, be frugal, make money, and reap achievements. This may be the norm for everyone but right now its tearing me apart.
Perhaps all these things are the result of a personality flaw, but nonetheless, it is causing a lot of problems.
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