Meds and whatnot

Lately I've been experiencing an emotional numbness. I'm also having trouble with my physical health which may or may not be related to a change in my medication dosage/schedule. My therapy sessions haven't been very useful, although I suppose it's better to be safe than sorry. At least it's fairly cheap to get treatment now.
I've been bordering on hypomanic for some time now. Creative ideas burst forth like rushing waters behind a dam. I feel mildly worried because I don't want to over do things but at the same time the projects are so seductive. We'll see what happens over the course of time.

December came fast

I've been meaning to write in this blog, but between updating another blog and all that has happened, it simply fell by the wayside.

Today is more or less the last day of classes for me this term. I am impressed and relieved that I have made it through what has been a hard 3 months without a major mishap. I still had my crying days and found that medicine couldn't fix everything. I'm also fiddling with my medicine since I still have sleepiness problems.

It has been a real roller coaster - many good things have happened for me as well as a few devastating ones. Fortunately, the good outweighs the bad. My relationships have improved for now, most likely because I don't have time to obsess about them. ^_^' My exercise regimen has gone done the drain, so that is something to work on. I have turned to work too often as a means of distraction which was kind of silly because I learned that if you add something to your life, you end up making better use of your limited time (at least I hope that happens for everyone!)

The main lessons learned this term are:
1) Have a diverse set of interests and portion your life into at least 3 sections. That way, if you have a bad day in one area, you can turn to another and remind yourself that there are other good things going on.
2) Medicine and therapy does not guarantee that you will have only good days. When you're near the snapping point, try to remember your crisis plan and do what you need to in order to get through the day. If you feel like sleeping all day, allow yourself one day to do so, but remind yourself that tomorrow is a blank slate and don't let it go beyond that.
3) Remember that the supporting people around you need help sometimes and not to lean on them too much. The key thing is to be self-sufficient in the end.
4) Be as assertive and resilient as you can. If someone tells you you are deficient in an important beneficial skill, don't let it get to you. Instead, assess whether you need that skill and if you do, make your own plan to improve as much as possible so that no one can use that excuse again. This is somewhat unrealistic, but by being determined to bounce back or being honest about yourself, I feel like it helps maintain integrity, makes you listen in on your mind and body, and lets you find justification, not excuses, for why things are the way they are. If you find that you just aren't putting any time into that goal, it's probably because you've found a way to live life without it or you're just not ready yet. I leave it to your imagination how you want to decide the outcome for that.

Already been over a month...

I slacked off writing this blog because so much has happened and also because my meds were working. I haven't had a major manic or depressive episode, other than issues triggered by environmental settings. I am told that others still fear that I will act out and therefore they tread lightly around me, which has made me hypersensitive to my actions.
I have health insurance again and have already started putting my plan in place. I have met with a therapist and psychiatrist, am looking into long term treatment, posted the emergency numbers on my wall, and checked my pharmacy plan for drug costs. I think I like my psychiatrist - I didn't have to push to get him to accept my condition and he seems fully aware of all the treatment I've gone through. He has an interesting view in which all humans are trying to grow and develop. Mental disorders are inhibitors of this growth and development and once they can be treated, growth and development can occur. I think this idea will be very useful for me. My current therapist is also interested in examining my relationships and how I function in them. Also useful. Apart from that, I want to do something about my impulse spikes.
Well...that's that for now...

Health Insurance

Today is my 3rd day without health insurance - I left my job in preparation for a relocation. I stockpiled various meds in advance and got the reassurance of my therapist and psychiatrist that they would help support me, but to be reliant on my meds and self alone without any medical specialists is kind of unnerving. I'm also petrified of paying for meds out of pocket - I know that many do, but it certainly isn't cheap! I think it scares me that I will most likely be dependent on meds to function for the rest of my life...

Unfortunately meds can't fix everything. I'm learning that while I'm nice and polite to strangers, I'm harshly critical and demanding of those closest to me. I throw tantrums when I'm distressed and obsess over things to the point of unhealthiness. I suppose these are the things that therapy is supposed to fix, but it's so very hard when you're dealing with reflex reactions as opposed to premeditated ones. Quite often, I can physically feel myself fill up with an unpleasant emotion that just overtakes me. I literally cannot regain control of myself. When I try to hold it in, it eats at me like acid and makes me ill. I wish there was a med for this...there probably is...

And it comes again

I woke up this morning feeling depressed...I was supposed to have the day off and I planned all sorts of things, but in the end I just stayed in bed. I don't know if it was life events that caused it or being sick that caused or if it was the other way around, but on days like this, it scares me that even my medicine can't keep things in check. I feel too weak sometimes to deal with the things that come at me in life, never mind myself. I really wish I could just crawl back into bed...but sadly I can't.

Holding Steady

So far so good on the meds...I still get worried when I get emotional or react in an emotional way that it's my illness talking and not me. Then I get more worried if it *is* me because then meds can't fix it. From time to time I still contemplate suicide and am think of ways that I might end up dying. No matter how you look at it, as strong as the lithium is, it may not be able to erase all suicidality...

Seroquel Saga continues

So I'm down to 25 mg of Seroquel a day and it works out okay - I'm able to fall asleep quickly and I don't wake up groggy. I'm supposed to up my Lamictal by 25 mg at the end of the month, so we'll see how that affects me. I've been really tired lately for no reason (they say my thyroid is okay), so I'm a little confused. Maybe it was the constant drizzle?

On a different note, my lithium prescription came back as lithium ER instead of lithium carbonate. From what I read, they're more or less the same, ER being extended release, but I hope it doesn't cause any problems.

Oh Seroquel

I've been on Seroquel for little over a week now and I'm finding that I can't figure out the right dose. Sometimes 25 mg is too little, 75 mg is too high, and sometimes they're both just right. My main concern is that I've been more tired than usual. It's not like the Zyprexa where I was just constantly sleepy - I've become genuinely tired to the point where I need to nap. On the other hand, when I go to bed, I at least now have some deep uninterrupted sleep.

In other observations, I've noticed that while medications are managing my biological condition well, the suicidality will probably have to be addressed with therapy. It seems to stem from an inability to deal with uncertainty and generally bad situations.

Seroquel

I started the Seroquel on Thursday night. It really helped me sleep well, although 50 mg seems to be too much. The 25 mg is better, although I seem to be really tired. It's different from the Zyprexa which put me in a drowsy haze where I kept drifting off into sleep. Right now, when I'm awake, I'm still alert, but I just get tired very easily and want to nap. I'm hoping that it's just me recovering from all that lost sleep.

That said, I've noticed that since starting treatment, the way I approach relationships with others has changed greatly. I wonder if this is normal?

Seeing the Shrink

I went and saw the psychiatrist this morning and got some useful news. I'm actually starting to look forward to my psychiatrist appointments since I feel like I get scientific information about my condition and actually get relief from physical symptoms. Still working on the psychotherapy...

Anyways, it turns out that the low thyroid could be the result of the lithium medication. That was interesting to know. As for the super down period, that was likely from the missed lamictal. Apparently, the state that I was in was the likely state I would be in without the medication. That thought was rather frightening. To help with the sleep, I'm being given seraquil. I've heard some things about it, so I'm intrigued, but mainly, I just hope I sleep.

Rather productive morning, I think...

Sleeeeepy

It's been 4 weeks since I stopped the Zyprexa...and I'm exhausted beyond belief. Initially not sleeping much was fine because being alert during the day was worth it, but now it's caught up to me. I tried taking Zyprexa once and while it let me sleep, I felt groggy the next day and napped. Then I tried half a dose and it knocked me, but I kept waking up and was groggy. Finally, I resorted to lorazepam which REALLY knocked me out but made me so sick in the morning that I'm never taking it again. Last night I finally fell asleep of my own accord, but kept waking up after 6 hours.

What confuses me the most is that when I'm manic, I won't sleep much, but I'm not tired. In this case, I'm tired when I go to bed, I just can't sleep. So I don't really think I'm manic, especially since I can't say I have racing thoughts throughout the day...it's very confusing.

Best Weekend Ever (for now)

I am happy to announce that I have a very good 4 days this past weekend. I was able to indulge in a favorite hobby - and realize that I could still have lots of fun after all. It took a lot of energy and I felt really let down afterwards, but I was still glad to have experienced it.

Yesterday was a day off and I spent it quietly. I did chores in the morning, watched videos all afternoon, had afternoon tea (bubble tea and cupcake), read in a bookstore, came home and cooked dinner, watched more videos, and went to bed. I don't normally list what I do, but it's just to describe what a peaceful day it was. I wish my day was more like this on a regular basis...

Complications

Another week down...somehow.

I went and had my physical today and while my weight is down (take that Zyprexa!), it turns out my thyroid is low too. They're not sure if it's an isolated incident or if it's long term, so they'll test me again. I looked up the symptoms of a low thyroid and while I have some of the symptoms, one of the listed symptoms was 'depression'. Now, some of the other symptoms include fatigue, weight gain, and memory loss. That sounds like overlapping symptoms with depression. Thus, how do doctors diagnose and treat simultaneous medical issues in a person when some of the symptoms are the same?

Anhedonia

I've reached an interesting point in my anhedonia - I am obsessed with finishing/completing things. For example, if there's a book I'm reading, I'm not satisfied until it's been finished. Or a plate of food - I barely notice what I'm eating just, focused on cleaning the plate. The problem is that I don't enjoy the process along the way, meaning that I am rarely ever relaxed and in the moment, nor do I get any entertainment or satisfaction from an activity. It really makes life feel slow and chuggish.

Sleep has been off too, lots of waking up in the night or periods of insomnia. It's not quite like being manic, where I have racing thoughts or still feel perky the next day, but it is weird because I can't stop being agitated. I hope it stops because I am getting really tired.

Cleared

The storm is over for now. It's such a relief not to be caught in the throes of my mind. I've noticed that I'm resistant to my psychotherapy again. I think I need more than positive thinking and distress tolerance to help me out, but I'm using them like crazy.

It occurred to me that what I envy most are the people in the street who seem happy, healthy, and successful. To me, successful now means you have a job you do well and like and live with loved ones. Successful means you complete what you start. Right now, I want to look like those people in the subway who are smiling, who have a friend that they just ate dinner with, who look groomed and purposeful. To reach that, I realized that I will need to want to be healthy more than anything - to want to be better beyond normal want. That's fairly daunting to me.

Danger

I've been feeling suicidal these past two days. I've called some people but feel like a burden now. It's really scary dealing with these feelings since I've given up inside. I don't know how I could off myself, but if there was a surefire way offered to me right now, I think I would take it.

A Tiny Gift

Last night I had a favorable response to my dance from some people I respected. At first, I simply thought, "Oh, they're just being nice". And then I thought "Maybe I do still have a little talent in that area". Admittedly, I preferred to think that people were being charitable, but it warmed me to think that maybe I wasn't talentless.

This is important because I feel like a lot of CBT requires lying to one's self. It's supposed to be recognizing reality and sometimes it works out. But often I feel like you're supposed to tell yourself positive things about you that are a bit exaggerated. Like "You do well at your job". What if you don't? What do you do, tell yourself "At least I haven't lost my job"? Or "I'm a good person". Are you really? Do you give spare change to the homeless guy, listen considerately to others, and avoid violence?

I know I'm a pessimist, but for some things I believe I'm a realist. My realist side says "You did okay for one piece, but it doesn't mean much". On the other hand, I have a tiny bit of a dreamer and it says "You might have talent after all".

And it fades...

As strong and cheerful as I tried to be yesterday...it hit me today that I still feel really weak. Not so much physically (although I am somehow), but mentally. I'm scared to try anything hard anymore. I don't relish mental challenges and enjoy vegetating. The prospect of studying again petrifies me and I prefer to read easy light things so that my head doesn't think. I realize that by doing this, I'm weakening my mental muscles, but I can't help it. I also wonder - how much brain damage did I incur that I feel this way?

Inner Strength

So it hit me today that we are almost halfway through 2009 and that my disorder has consumed most of it. At first I was mad because I thought to myself "What a waste of a year". Then I realized a few things. First, there's still another half of a year left to go and so long as I'm striving for healthy habits and haven't ended everything, half a year in stasis won't kill me. Then I thought about the fact that I still managed to hold onto my job and was grateful. After that I realized that I had: 1) taken the GREs when I couldn't read and done respectably, 2) applied for and got into grad school, 3) choreographed a solo after years of not choreographing, 4) got into a concert with said solo, 5) joined another dance concert, 6) still had a loving boyfriend, 7) discovered what was wrong with my back, 8) found some medications that do more than past ones have.

Not so bad after all.

Now the question is whether I have the strength to get through things from here on out because it's about to ramp up pretty hard...

Sleep Study Part 1

Last night I went in for a sleep study. It was completely unlike anything I expected it to be. There's not much to say except that there were a lot of electrodes and a soft bed. I also learned that by not getting good sleep, one tends to be hungrier and overeat. That sure explains a lot.

Unfortunately, I didn't sleep well during the test and had to take a 2 hour nap before work. Even then, I wasn't my sharpest and right now have sharp head pains. I'm also starving. I hope they figure out what's wrong because I think then my depression would also be easier to deal with.

On the upside, the change in my meds seems to be helping, so that's a relief. I wonder how long it will last.

As a side note, I noticed that CVS is offering a generic version of Wellbutrin. I hope that helps some folks out there because I know that its often prescribed but pretty pricey.

Changes

Yesterday I went to the doctor and got my medications changed. I finally get to stop Zyprexa and up the Lamictal. I still don't feel any less sleepy, but it's a relief to reduce my meds. I also kicked the diet to the curb - it was making me too miserable.

I've been browsing some blogs lately and realized that on one hand, I wish I could write as informative and interesting a blog as some people I know. On the other hand, I don't really have the time nor inclination to write long detailed comments on subjects, nor do I want to be stalked. I initially had a lot to say here, but over time, there's less and less to say, especially when the depression takes over. Come to think of it, depression is probably a horrible obstacle to blogging. I wonder if there's a study out there that can verify this...

Weak

Lately, I've been sleeping as much as can, beyond what any normal healthy person would. For some reason, the world that I see in my sleep is more interesting and welcoming than anything I know in real life. I don't really care what goes on in real life anymore and I'm considering canceling all medical appointments because I don't care about them any more.

I was lying on the couch, thinking about when I was younger and realized I was stronger and more disciplined then. I think it was because I had a firm belief that I could be the best at something and I was willing to do anything - within moral reason - to get there. Nowadays I don't have anything that I want that badly, except for maybe food and sleep. It's kind of scary.

May

It's finally May. I get the oddest feeling that I will just barely hold on this month. I gave up on my support groups because it was more stress to make time for them than it was to live without them. I'm going in to see the psychiatrist again about my meds. I hope something happens there - I've been stable, but not really living life properly.

A cycle

It just occurred to me that I am just as sleepy, lethargic, weak, and unfocused now as I was before treatment. I can barely read a book. The only difference is that I'm not prone to crying and my mood is constant. My question is, what's the point?

Time passes far too slowly...I'd like to put it into fast forward for a bit.

A past memory

Three years ago, I had my complete and total nervous breakdown. I didn't know what else to do, so I came to this city and decided to work while I figured out what I wanted to do. It took a few false starts and then I thought I knew what I wanted to do, while I kept playing around with ideas. Now I'm getting ready to leave to pursue a new line of study. I'd been worried about being my age and already leaving work to go back to study because I felt that it was too soon, but someone pointed out to me that it was my plan all along.

Now I'm dying for the weeks and months to pass while being terrified that I'll fail at my new endeavor. I don't feel any stronger from 3 years ago, especially with my horrible relapse this year, and I don't want another relapse 3 years from now. Some might say that therapy and medication will do the trick, but on my current meds, I'm spacey as heck, sleepy all the time, and in complete anhedonia. I'm guessing I should call someone, but not sure who...

So Slow

The weather is beautiful today. I actually got up near on time, possibly because I had a mini-hypomanic episode last night and kept waking up. The sleepiness thing is starting to ook me out because it seems to happen even when I'm not tired. I'm physically sore, but not tired.

Odd.

The Sleepiness continues

Last night I envisioned the perfect day off: waking up late in the morning, doing some light exercise, eating lunch, showering, then taking an afternoon nap, eating dinner, reading, then back to bed. It would work well for depressives who want to sleep all day - you'd still get your exercise and meals in. I think I wanted this day off so badly, I overslept. Even now I'm yawning.

It's interesting how I can feel the shifts in weather through my body. When it was nice and sunny out, my body felt a little lighter, but as the day shifted, my body followed suit.

My work is really making me ill.

Sleepiness

So...the depression continues...the nice weather helped lift it, which makes me think that there's a correlation between the weather and my mood. Yesterday was nice enough, but all day today it's been gray and gloomy - I haven't been able to wake up at all. Actually, I've noticed that I fall asleep when I'm bored or unmotivated too. The sad part is that it's not a nice deep sleep, but a shallow doze that almost makes me feel worse.

Another side effect of the depression is the lack of interest in anything other than my life. Or maybe that's just because I have to watch what I eat, what I do, how much I sleep, etc every single day - be aware every single microminute. I'd love to have energy to be interested in learning something new or doing extra projects, but I just can't seem to get it together.

I can't wait for July.

Nicety

All weekend was nice because the weather was nice - it uplifted my mood and made me feel hopeful. I even got mildly manic on Sunday night, but that probably had more to do with finding a solution and feeling like I had a revelation. Monday morning was a crash landing and the Sunday blues shifted to the Monday blues. I am lucky though to have nice and understanding friends who are lovely people - they know who they are (I hope).
I think that my current and sole source of depression now is my job. I feel guilty for saying it, but it's causing innate Pavlovian responses of dread and fear. Something must change because I have to endure it for 3 more months...

I hate lying

I hate having to lie. You know the kind. It's the one where whenever someone asks how you're doing, you smile and say "fine" even though you're dying to crawl home and slither under the covers of your bed. The one where you feel like saying how you really are, but bite your tongue to be safe. Yeah that lie. I hate it.

Completely Depressed

It's hit me like a fist in the stomach. The lack of sleep, the dilemmas, the diet, being alone, working in a job I don't like...I feel like a sinking stone in a deep lake. Last night was DBSA night, but somehow, airing out my grievances and listening to others share theirs didn't seem appealing. I realized that I find some weird comfort in sitting at home moping and ruminating, worrying and futzing. It gives a false air of doing something, of being productive by thinking about it. Part of me wants to be cheerful and happy, but honestly, I don't know what makes me happy anymore. All the things that made me gleeful last year don't this year. All the things that made me cheerful two months ago don't now. I really hate this depression and trying to stand on my two feet. I want my mania back. Or at least the calm neutral feelings.

Diets don't work

After two days of eating smaller meals and exercising, my waistline has actually expanded 2 inches. I'm disgruntled at my meds.

Sleeping

I fell asleep in DBT group again. I felt horrible because everyone noticed and honestly, I think I let myself fall asleep. It's kind of the wrong time for me because I can't get up at 6:30 am easily and when you're doing mindfulness exercises, it's easy to fall asleep again. I really need to get my sleep fixed.

Officially overweight

I met with a nutritionist today regarding my weight gain and found out I'm officially overweight. I'm also supposed to put myself on a very strict diet. It's a bit scary since I've been so used to just eating whatever I want and not gaining weight, I don't quite understand why my metabolism changed in the past month. The food log that the nutritionist handed me, as well as the required amount of exercise, also kind of depressed me. I seem to rapidly be running out of time to do things as is, I'm not really keen to lose more.

Curse lithium and Zyprexa!

And it's Easter...

The past few days have been a whirlwind. Every single good habit I've worked to create, the careful diet, sleep rituals, etc, have all been thrown out the window since my mom came to visit. There have been a lot of stressors on top of that and the normal 7 pm Sunday blues (there's a song title for you '7 pm Sunday Blues') have started to settle in. I'm questioning the effectiveness of drugs and therapy at this point. I think there are some things they just can't help.

Health Insurance

Today I had a shocker - I was trying to track down my health bills from earlier this year because I hadn't received anything yet. The first few places I called said that my insurance hadn't gone through yet. I fretted about it all through lunch and then finally had the smarts to call my insurance company. They've told me (so far) that everything should get paid for. I'm crossing my fingers.

Anyone else ever have anxiety attacks over whether their insurance is gonna cover things?

It all falls apart

Yesterday was a trial. I literally watched all my therapy unravel as I became more and more stressed due to a snafu. Even still today I am feeling stressed and agitated. It's a beautiful day and my depression is in full bloom.

Something that I hate about my agitation/stress is that when I try to talk to someone important, I get the shakes. My voice, hands, and body all quiver and I get really cold and come close to crying. This happens when I least expect - sometimes I'm nervous, sometimes I was perfectly fine. I don't know if anyone else experiences this kind of anxiety, but I'm betting they do.

All in all, I wish yesterday had never happened...

Tenacity

On another note, I've noticed that as much as I've wanted to give up on everything, there's a part of me that refuses to give in, with the exception of complete and total breakdowns. I wonder if that's the survival instinct kicking in...

Inferiority

Every so often my depression gets a strong grip on me and tosses me into a tailspin. The past few days I've been spiraling downward past the 12 rings of depression and feel like I've hit the 'Inferiority' level. As someone else pointed out to me, there's really no reason to feel inferior, but I do. I suspect, as always, that sleep has something to do with it. That and the rain - I was so exhausted from yesterday that I skipped my DBT group. I'm a little nervous since I will also be skipping my DBSA group this week and I don't have a therapy session coming up. It's a little bit like going for a gentle boatride in the sun only to be caught in the forces of a storm. I have a few things in my survival kit, but I don't know if it will be enough to survive the onslaught. At this time, I know it's essential to be positive, but between the weather and the depression, I don't even feel like trying anymore.

Cloudy

Every Sunday at 7 I seem to get depressed. This means that Monday morning, I barely seem to be able to get up. I would attribute this to having a case of the Mondays, except that according to my logs, I've either been depressed or frazzled for most of the past 3 weeks. Rarely do I list myself as feeling happy. There was that one lucky week where I was just feeling clear and empty, but it hasn't come back since. I get the suspicion that the mood stabilizers primarily remove the manic episodes and keep my low moods from getting too low, but that my baseline is still stuck below 'happy'. I wonder if the missing piece is sleep. Even when I had the chance to sleep 14 hours, I kept waking up...

I keep thinking about my past and my future a lot, even though I'm trying to train myself not to. When I think about my past, I feel like I have a lot to atone for. When I think about my future, I keep thinking about how to play it safe. I don't want my bipolar disorder to interfere with my life again, but I'm not sure how to guarantee that.

Irresponsible

I'm thinking about what I said about mental illness and being naive and realize that lately, I feel like I'm being more responsible for my actions these days. In the past, I would moan "Why is this happening to me?" whereas now it feels more like "This is happening to me, I need to get through it". That isn't to say that I now always have full control over my actions or recognize when I'm letting illness take over and cause me to react in very immature ways. I'm just starting to recognize when I let depression affect how I interacted with others or relied on mania for creative spurts and courage. I'm not sure how or if other mental illnesses affect responsibility like this, or if others even feel this at all.

Lately, I've been feeling uneasy about how much less I worry about things in my life, as if I'm being lazy or unproductive by not worrying. I'm also still not looking forward to the rest of my life, not even to the next day. I don't have thoughts of killing myself anymore, but at the same time, I'm not sure I look forward to the next 5 years...I don't know why.

Does it work?

This morning I was browsing around MSN and came across an article on 7 alternative depression treatments: http://health.msn.com/health-topics/depression/slideshow.aspx?cp-documentid=100226441&GT1=31009 . I wasn't sure what to make of it because on one hand, I've heard and reading of alternative strategies, but on the other, I keep hearing about how difficult it is to stay stable without meds. Also, there was an article on weight gain about how eating may be linked to dopamine levels (http://health.msn.com/weight-loss/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100235025&GT1=31036 ) which would explain my eating habits.

That said, I read a manga today about a high school girl who was too shy to overcome her outgoing and devious twin sister. She turns to her high school guidance counselor for help, who is an intern at a graduate program for psychology. I think so far that she falls in love with him. It was a bit disorienting to read, partially from how devious people in the book are, partially from how naive the girl is, and partially at the thought of a romantic relationship emerging between a counselor and patient. I wonder if mental illness also breeds a form of naivety in a person without them realizing it.

That kind of day

Last night was considerably stressful and frazzling - I worked late, I slogged home in the rain, I rushed to the train station, only to find that I took the wrong train, and had to wait for a ride home. I am ashamed to say that I slipped into old bad habits, like being very negative and shouting out of frustration. It was particularly disappointing because all throughout the day, I had been doing pretty good about positive thinking and such.

I ended up waking up very tired today and it wouldn't let up. I also had a lot of irritability, which was problematic. The 2-3 hour nap felt good, but I wonder what it says about my mental health.

The eating is also getting out of control again. It's getting really tiring monitoring every little thing.

Misty Day

On days like today, where getting out of bed is a struggle, my body aches, and the weather is gloomy, I wish I could induce a manic episode to carry me through. Heck, I wish I could have a manic episode lasting for the next 3 weeks. I know that's it technically damaging to the brain, but sometimes, that litle extra boost helps.

Hectic amongst other things

This week (and last week too) has been hectic beyond imagination. It's as if a new task appears as soon as one gets completed. Perhaps the pace is to be expected, but it's starting to burn me out.

I keep having interesting thoughts on treatment today, but they swirl and disappear off. The main one I've been able to keep is about meds. In the past I expected meds to make me cheerful all the time and never feel sad. Recently, I realized that what I was expecting were recreational drugs. Right now, my current meds largely stabilize me (all I take are mood stabilizers) and so while I'm not happy all the time, I can still feel the full range of emotions. I still sometimes wish that I could be made to feel cheerful all the time.

The other thing I realized was that I worry a lot because subconsciously I think that worrying will help solve a problem. It's slowly dawning upon me that it only makes me upset and ill. As a result, I've been trying more and more to NOT worry or think about something.

That's all.

Yesterday's Lesson

Just a note: apparently, one is supposed to use CBT first, then DBT...good to know in a panic.

Relieved

Relieved. Regardless of what hour I checked in with myself, I found that I was relieved that minute, that hour, that day had passed and I had survived. I wasn't necessarily happy to be alive, just grateful that I had put time behind me.

I went to the DBSA meeting again and was disappointed. The first hour was somewhat informative and interesting, but the second hour got lost to a two-way exchange between some talkative participants. At least I got to meet up with someone from the hospital program again. I think that next time I will go to a different group - it's always tricky finding the right balance. This time, I had gone to a group aimed at my age range, but the lifestyle I've been living lately is older than my age. Which isn't to say that I'm more mature - I have lots of childish habits and interests - but hearing about substance abuse, living with parents, and looking for retail work doesn't always feel relevant. On the other hand, hearing about taking care of children, spousal issues, and looking for career moves isn't always relevant either. The common theme is supposed to be illness, but the fringe topics tip the balance.

Dreaming of Dead People

Last night I dreamt of a dead classmate. I always wake up from these dreams as if I struggled up from the bottom of the ocean, usually because the dream is so vivid. What adds to it is the fact that there is usually some lucid dreaming going on, not to mention the fact that it's a little scary to see a dead person while you sleep.
The reason why I ponder over this particular dream is that at the end I asked "How are you still alive if you're dead?". His answer was "I'm alive because you want me to be alive". This was startling, because I had lost touch with him before he died. And I wondered if mildly suicidal people could be kept alive because someone wanted them to be alive. Certainly each time I tried to kill myself, there was someone who wanted me to be alive more than anything, which probably made it harder to leave this earth. I also started to wonder if he had been bipolar as well. He had definitely had his share of depression and suicidal attempts, but he was also confusing. Some days he was withdrawn and cold, other days he was overly vivacious, and yet other days he was just normal. Given his age at the time that I knew him, it seems entirely possible...and yet it's taken almost 10 years to realize this...

Sleep or lack thereof

I'll probably repeat this over and over but the one thing I love about being hypomanic/manic is not needing to sleep and yet being able to stay awake throughout the day. When I'm not in one of those states, I tend to toss and turn at night a lot then get sleepy for the rest of the day. I thought about this a lot today because I noticed after being sleepy in DBT, I was fairly alert for the rest of the day. Even in the afternoon, when I lay down, I kind of just floated along the edge of consciousness. So I wonder which way I'll be swinging...

Sleep

This morning was like landing with a thud from a floaty cloud. All the agitation and excitement from yesterday had washed away and I stared out the window wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into. Might have also just been waking up at 6:30 am (I usually get up at 8).

I kind of limped along to DBT group this morning - the endorphins from last night had masked a slight sprained ankle. DBT was on mindfulness again, which I know I need, but tends to relax me to the point of sleepiness. Of course, when I'm actually trying to go to bed, it doesn't work. Of course. It's always strange how having an age difference in the group affects the dynamics - it really shouldn't, but somehow it does.

A random question I've had is why the majority of support group attendees and caretakers (psychiatrists, therapists, social workers, etc) are white. I've seen Asian doctors visiting from their countries, but otherwise no Hispanic, African-American, or Asian or any other ethnic group - well, okay I've seen African-American staffers/counselors, but rarely doctors. I also wonder about the patients...I guess I'll look around carefully during the DBSA meeting tomorrow...

Hard to Feel Blessed

This afternoon/evening was one long CBT exercise. I kept running into situation after situation where the depressed and anxious side of me wanted to think negatively and the other side of me kept having to go "no no no - positive thinking POSITIVE thinking!".

Cases in point:
1) I received news that my dance piece had passed the audition. At first I was all "yay!" and then immediately I was like "oh no! what if I fail to finish the piece - it's so much work!". What I should have been thinking was "They liked the piece, you have 4 weeks to finish, be proud of how far you've come" *
2) I go to reserve my free studio time only to find that there's very little free space/time. I immediately feel frustrated and frazzled instead of reminding myself that there are alternate places I could go to practice.
3) I want to celebrate, but have no time to really go out, so I go treat myself to a frozen tart yogurt. Instead of being mindful and enjoying the tangy yogurt and sweet mango, I feel pitiful celebrating all alone. Mind you, I should have been delighted to even be having the yogurt since I have denied myself that yogurt for MONTHS.
4) I come into ballet class and my friend isn't there and the teacher is someone who really shouldn't teach (probably dances wonderfully, can't teach a whit). My legs ache, my feet won't point, and of course in general, I feel like a crappy dancer. So, instead of patting myself on the back for even coming to class on a rainy day (I never dance well on a rainy day) on top of having WORKED OUT a few hours earlier, I get down on myself for being so out of shape.

Honestly...today was like a gigantic CBT exercise in action.


*I had a nervous breakdown over dance, but that's another story

Rain

It's gray and drizzly, I got poor sleep, a pile of work landed on my desk, and I feel like an underachieving loser because my coworkers are all handling large and amazing projects. What a way to start a Monday - I hate it when Fate tosses a bunch of thing in my way that all trigger my depression.

Work

It's Sunday. A day of relaxation, tranquility, and in today's case, rain. Normally I enjoy my Sundays, but lately I've noticed a slight edginess around 7 pm, when it hits me that the week is about to start anew and I have no control over its arrival. Deep down, I know I ought to be grateful for work in these difficult times, but given its effect on my mental health, it's like trying to be grateful that your stove works while it burns your arms.

To give a little history, I was hospitalized in January, threw myself back into work for a month, had a relapse, got into a day program, and returned on shortened hours 2 weeks ago. Normally, I've been told, most people don't go back to work so quickly. I know that I've propelled myself to go back out of guilt, guilt that my bosses are being so nice and accommodating of my condition and doctor's appointments. I can see now why people don't go back so fast - regardless of whatever factors you're dealing with, adding the stresses of your job don't seem like such a great idea. In my case, I deal with negative thought, passive-aggressiveness, low self-esteem, low self-confidence, memory/knowledge loss, and dozing off.

Last Friday, I experienced a classic example of what tends to make me depressed and off my rocker for a while: a difficult client e-mails in to me and my teammate for help a half hour before my shift ends. After I respond, she misunderstands my words, writes an indignant e-mail to me, my teammate, and our bosses' boss, decrying service. By the time we've calmed her down, it's 15 minutes to my shift's end. My teammate is offering to go down and see her even though she's technically my client. The thing about this teammate is that he makes workaholics look lazy. That day, he had just finished handling an emergency job worth millions of dollars, covered for our supervisor, and looked exhausted. So I tried to get him to help me stave off the visit while we find a solution, except that she just oh so conveniently has everything we need to help her. Finally, after staying a half hour later, I take off to catch my train. I find out afterwards that my teammate stayed till 6:30 helping this client.
Thus, at 6:30 pm, I am feeling: a) anxious from having been chewed out, b) frazzled from trying to find a last minute solution, c) guilty that my teammate took on the job, d) resentful that he handled my client, and e) feeling like a loser because I don't work myself to the bone like him. By nature our department works hard, but not as hard as my team, which includes the super teammate and the two bosses. How does this all relate to being bipolar, depressed or otherwise?

I guess my point is that when everyday is a struggle just to keep things together enough to wake up and walk out the door, having events like that happen is like a gale of wind rush through a rickety house frame. I literally had a brief flash of wanting to kill myself because I was so overwhelmed. That doesn't seem healthy or normal to me. And while these events don't happen everyday, something shakeworthy usually pops up every 3-7 days. During the off days, I'm sitting in a 6x6 windowless room in a basement without any nice small tasks to do, just big scary ones like reading manuals or checking over the entire database for our office. If I had nice small tasks to do for a period of time, I could stop ruminating, have a sense of accomplishment, and maybe just be calm for a bit. I wish I had the ability to tackle the bigger tasks, but for some reason, they overwhelm me to the point where I get psyched out.

So if you're someone out there who is unemployed, mentally ill, and is dying for work and wants to smack me upside the head for being an ingrate, I accept that. But I also hope that there's someone out there who can relate and maybe be brave enough to let me know how they survived a job that would send them into a spiral of despair.

Nerves

I had my first real choreographic audition today. I haven't choreographed in 3 years. It was interesting to observe my anxiety overtake me, first with negative thoughts, then with shaking hands. Even as I type, I am still shaking, although whether from nerves or lithium (don't you just love the side effects of lithium?) I don't know. When the negative thoughts overcame me, I was sitting in the train and I wasn't sure whether to turn to CBT or DBT for help. It was kind of like "Should I mood monitor or should I be mindful? Change my thinking or completely empty my mind?". At that rate, klonapin might have been more useful, based off of what I hear, but my anxiety probably wasn't at the level that most people with anxiety disorder have. Ultimately, the audition went well, although the negative thinking kept racing through my head, throughout the audition, and followed me out the door. I think I better keep working on my CBT skills...

Quiet Saturday

The weather was absolutely beautiful today. It was really calming to have the sun coming down on my head and no cold wind, just a tickling calm breeze. The only flaw today was the constant ruminating in my head over things that are beyond my control. I hate always worrying and wondering and being anxious over things that can't be fixed or changed at that moment. It probably added to why I was mildly irritable today.

There were two interesting events today. One was an episode of Law and Order. In it, they were investigating mental illness patients (bipolar, schizophrenia, etc)as murder patients. Throughout, they kept emphasizing the need for patients to comply with their medications and seeing their caretakers. At one point, one of the detectives stated that patients should be forced to take meds for the safety of the general population. Now, I've agreed to take meds and I understand that when someone is psychotic, it can be dangerous. On the other hand, I felt like they were trying to imply that mentally ill people are dangerous and their judgement is not to be trusted. As a mother in the show pointed out, the media has done a thorough job of making the general public cautious of mentally ill people, and in this case, the TV show wasn't helping. Since I didn't see the episode till the end, I don't know if they changed their tune, but it was discouraging to see that bit.

The other interesting event was at the bookstore. Right now, I'm battling weight gain caused by Zyprexa and so have started to restrict my calories and increase my exercise. The problem is that I'm someone who loves food to begin with and so having increased hunger cravings is really problematic. So, I walked to the coffee counter and decided I was going to be good and only have a 140 calorie tea drink. I eyed the Yukon gold potato chips, but held back. Then I sat down. All of sudden, a huge craving for those potato chips came over me. I tried focusing on my book, but I'd keep getting up to stare at the chips, walking back and forth. Luckily, I managed to avoid buying those chips, but it was so tough!
It might seem trivial, but hopefully it resonates with any body out there on meds that increase appetite.

The First Step

Usually I'm not good about writing blogs. I start up one and then get too busy or ill to continue or get discouraged because no one visits. In this case though, I feel like it will be good for me since both in and out of the hospital I'm told to constantly keep monitoring and logging my condition.

I'm a 24 year old female with bipolar disorder, type II. I was originally diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 14, but it changed after I hit adulthood. Over those 10 years, I have attempted to commit suicide 3 times and was hospitalized twice. The past 3 years I tried to live without meds or psychotherapy, but this year, I found that I couldn't do it any longer - it seems that it takes a really strong person to be able to do that without it also taking a major toll on their loved ones.
I know that it's normally a huge risk to reveal all this about one's self, but after having repeated this history so many times, it feels like I should wear a sign around my neck. Normally there's some protection since it's told to either medical professionals or within a support group, but who's to say that someone's not going to accidentally let slip that they met so-and-so with this-and-that history? Also, I hate the stigmatization that comes with mental illness - I always feel like I have to hide this part of me and I feel like there are others around me doing the same.

The reason I call this the Lithium Log is because lithium is one of my medications. I'm on several others, but I feel like those might change at any given time. There's also the fact that lithium is a classic medication for bipolar disorder, so it seems appropriate.

Today seems neutral so far - it's already past noon, so I just have to manage through the next 11 hours without too many ups or downs. I've been ruminating a lot and being in a funk, but I also just got a good night's sleep after a week, so we'll see how it goes.