Health Insurance

Today is my 3rd day without health insurance - I left my job in preparation for a relocation. I stockpiled various meds in advance and got the reassurance of my therapist and psychiatrist that they would help support me, but to be reliant on my meds and self alone without any medical specialists is kind of unnerving. I'm also petrified of paying for meds out of pocket - I know that many do, but it certainly isn't cheap! I think it scares me that I will most likely be dependent on meds to function for the rest of my life...

Unfortunately meds can't fix everything. I'm learning that while I'm nice and polite to strangers, I'm harshly critical and demanding of those closest to me. I throw tantrums when I'm distressed and obsess over things to the point of unhealthiness. I suppose these are the things that therapy is supposed to fix, but it's so very hard when you're dealing with reflex reactions as opposed to premeditated ones. Quite often, I can physically feel myself fill up with an unpleasant emotion that just overtakes me. I literally cannot regain control of myself. When I try to hold it in, it eats at me like acid and makes me ill. I wish there was a med for this...there probably is...

And it comes again

I woke up this morning feeling depressed...I was supposed to have the day off and I planned all sorts of things, but in the end I just stayed in bed. I don't know if it was life events that caused it or being sick that caused or if it was the other way around, but on days like this, it scares me that even my medicine can't keep things in check. I feel too weak sometimes to deal with the things that come at me in life, never mind myself. I really wish I could just crawl back into bed...but sadly I can't.

Holding Steady

So far so good on the meds...I still get worried when I get emotional or react in an emotional way that it's my illness talking and not me. Then I get more worried if it *is* me because then meds can't fix it. From time to time I still contemplate suicide and am think of ways that I might end up dying. No matter how you look at it, as strong as the lithium is, it may not be able to erase all suicidality...