A cycle

It just occurred to me that I am just as sleepy, lethargic, weak, and unfocused now as I was before treatment. I can barely read a book. The only difference is that I'm not prone to crying and my mood is constant. My question is, what's the point?

Time passes far too slowly...I'd like to put it into fast forward for a bit.

A past memory

Three years ago, I had my complete and total nervous breakdown. I didn't know what else to do, so I came to this city and decided to work while I figured out what I wanted to do. It took a few false starts and then I thought I knew what I wanted to do, while I kept playing around with ideas. Now I'm getting ready to leave to pursue a new line of study. I'd been worried about being my age and already leaving work to go back to study because I felt that it was too soon, but someone pointed out to me that it was my plan all along.

Now I'm dying for the weeks and months to pass while being terrified that I'll fail at my new endeavor. I don't feel any stronger from 3 years ago, especially with my horrible relapse this year, and I don't want another relapse 3 years from now. Some might say that therapy and medication will do the trick, but on my current meds, I'm spacey as heck, sleepy all the time, and in complete anhedonia. I'm guessing I should call someone, but not sure who...

So Slow

The weather is beautiful today. I actually got up near on time, possibly because I had a mini-hypomanic episode last night and kept waking up. The sleepiness thing is starting to ook me out because it seems to happen even when I'm not tired. I'm physically sore, but not tired.

Odd.

The Sleepiness continues

Last night I envisioned the perfect day off: waking up late in the morning, doing some light exercise, eating lunch, showering, then taking an afternoon nap, eating dinner, reading, then back to bed. It would work well for depressives who want to sleep all day - you'd still get your exercise and meals in. I think I wanted this day off so badly, I overslept. Even now I'm yawning.

It's interesting how I can feel the shifts in weather through my body. When it was nice and sunny out, my body felt a little lighter, but as the day shifted, my body followed suit.

My work is really making me ill.

Sleepiness

So...the depression continues...the nice weather helped lift it, which makes me think that there's a correlation between the weather and my mood. Yesterday was nice enough, but all day today it's been gray and gloomy - I haven't been able to wake up at all. Actually, I've noticed that I fall asleep when I'm bored or unmotivated too. The sad part is that it's not a nice deep sleep, but a shallow doze that almost makes me feel worse.

Another side effect of the depression is the lack of interest in anything other than my life. Or maybe that's just because I have to watch what I eat, what I do, how much I sleep, etc every single day - be aware every single microminute. I'd love to have energy to be interested in learning something new or doing extra projects, but I just can't seem to get it together.

I can't wait for July.

Nicety

All weekend was nice because the weather was nice - it uplifted my mood and made me feel hopeful. I even got mildly manic on Sunday night, but that probably had more to do with finding a solution and feeling like I had a revelation. Monday morning was a crash landing and the Sunday blues shifted to the Monday blues. I am lucky though to have nice and understanding friends who are lovely people - they know who they are (I hope).
I think that my current and sole source of depression now is my job. I feel guilty for saying it, but it's causing innate Pavlovian responses of dread and fear. Something must change because I have to endure it for 3 more months...

I hate lying

I hate having to lie. You know the kind. It's the one where whenever someone asks how you're doing, you smile and say "fine" even though you're dying to crawl home and slither under the covers of your bed. The one where you feel like saying how you really are, but bite your tongue to be safe. Yeah that lie. I hate it.

Completely Depressed

It's hit me like a fist in the stomach. The lack of sleep, the dilemmas, the diet, being alone, working in a job I don't like...I feel like a sinking stone in a deep lake. Last night was DBSA night, but somehow, airing out my grievances and listening to others share theirs didn't seem appealing. I realized that I find some weird comfort in sitting at home moping and ruminating, worrying and futzing. It gives a false air of doing something, of being productive by thinking about it. Part of me wants to be cheerful and happy, but honestly, I don't know what makes me happy anymore. All the things that made me gleeful last year don't this year. All the things that made me cheerful two months ago don't now. I really hate this depression and trying to stand on my two feet. I want my mania back. Or at least the calm neutral feelings.

Diets don't work

After two days of eating smaller meals and exercising, my waistline has actually expanded 2 inches. I'm disgruntled at my meds.

Sleeping

I fell asleep in DBT group again. I felt horrible because everyone noticed and honestly, I think I let myself fall asleep. It's kind of the wrong time for me because I can't get up at 6:30 am easily and when you're doing mindfulness exercises, it's easy to fall asleep again. I really need to get my sleep fixed.

Officially overweight

I met with a nutritionist today regarding my weight gain and found out I'm officially overweight. I'm also supposed to put myself on a very strict diet. It's a bit scary since I've been so used to just eating whatever I want and not gaining weight, I don't quite understand why my metabolism changed in the past month. The food log that the nutritionist handed me, as well as the required amount of exercise, also kind of depressed me. I seem to rapidly be running out of time to do things as is, I'm not really keen to lose more.

Curse lithium and Zyprexa!

And it's Easter...

The past few days have been a whirlwind. Every single good habit I've worked to create, the careful diet, sleep rituals, etc, have all been thrown out the window since my mom came to visit. There have been a lot of stressors on top of that and the normal 7 pm Sunday blues (there's a song title for you '7 pm Sunday Blues') have started to settle in. I'm questioning the effectiveness of drugs and therapy at this point. I think there are some things they just can't help.

Health Insurance

Today I had a shocker - I was trying to track down my health bills from earlier this year because I hadn't received anything yet. The first few places I called said that my insurance hadn't gone through yet. I fretted about it all through lunch and then finally had the smarts to call my insurance company. They've told me (so far) that everything should get paid for. I'm crossing my fingers.

Anyone else ever have anxiety attacks over whether their insurance is gonna cover things?

It all falls apart

Yesterday was a trial. I literally watched all my therapy unravel as I became more and more stressed due to a snafu. Even still today I am feeling stressed and agitated. It's a beautiful day and my depression is in full bloom.

Something that I hate about my agitation/stress is that when I try to talk to someone important, I get the shakes. My voice, hands, and body all quiver and I get really cold and come close to crying. This happens when I least expect - sometimes I'm nervous, sometimes I was perfectly fine. I don't know if anyone else experiences this kind of anxiety, but I'm betting they do.

All in all, I wish yesterday had never happened...

Tenacity

On another note, I've noticed that as much as I've wanted to give up on everything, there's a part of me that refuses to give in, with the exception of complete and total breakdowns. I wonder if that's the survival instinct kicking in...

Inferiority

Every so often my depression gets a strong grip on me and tosses me into a tailspin. The past few days I've been spiraling downward past the 12 rings of depression and feel like I've hit the 'Inferiority' level. As someone else pointed out to me, there's really no reason to feel inferior, but I do. I suspect, as always, that sleep has something to do with it. That and the rain - I was so exhausted from yesterday that I skipped my DBT group. I'm a little nervous since I will also be skipping my DBSA group this week and I don't have a therapy session coming up. It's a little bit like going for a gentle boatride in the sun only to be caught in the forces of a storm. I have a few things in my survival kit, but I don't know if it will be enough to survive the onslaught. At this time, I know it's essential to be positive, but between the weather and the depression, I don't even feel like trying anymore.

Cloudy

Every Sunday at 7 I seem to get depressed. This means that Monday morning, I barely seem to be able to get up. I would attribute this to having a case of the Mondays, except that according to my logs, I've either been depressed or frazzled for most of the past 3 weeks. Rarely do I list myself as feeling happy. There was that one lucky week where I was just feeling clear and empty, but it hasn't come back since. I get the suspicion that the mood stabilizers primarily remove the manic episodes and keep my low moods from getting too low, but that my baseline is still stuck below 'happy'. I wonder if the missing piece is sleep. Even when I had the chance to sleep 14 hours, I kept waking up...

I keep thinking about my past and my future a lot, even though I'm trying to train myself not to. When I think about my past, I feel like I have a lot to atone for. When I think about my future, I keep thinking about how to play it safe. I don't want my bipolar disorder to interfere with my life again, but I'm not sure how to guarantee that.

Irresponsible

I'm thinking about what I said about mental illness and being naive and realize that lately, I feel like I'm being more responsible for my actions these days. In the past, I would moan "Why is this happening to me?" whereas now it feels more like "This is happening to me, I need to get through it". That isn't to say that I now always have full control over my actions or recognize when I'm letting illness take over and cause me to react in very immature ways. I'm just starting to recognize when I let depression affect how I interacted with others or relied on mania for creative spurts and courage. I'm not sure how or if other mental illnesses affect responsibility like this, or if others even feel this at all.

Lately, I've been feeling uneasy about how much less I worry about things in my life, as if I'm being lazy or unproductive by not worrying. I'm also still not looking forward to the rest of my life, not even to the next day. I don't have thoughts of killing myself anymore, but at the same time, I'm not sure I look forward to the next 5 years...I don't know why.

Does it work?

This morning I was browsing around MSN and came across an article on 7 alternative depression treatments: http://health.msn.com/health-topics/depression/slideshow.aspx?cp-documentid=100226441&GT1=31009 . I wasn't sure what to make of it because on one hand, I've heard and reading of alternative strategies, but on the other, I keep hearing about how difficult it is to stay stable without meds. Also, there was an article on weight gain about how eating may be linked to dopamine levels (http://health.msn.com/weight-loss/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100235025&GT1=31036 ) which would explain my eating habits.

That said, I read a manga today about a high school girl who was too shy to overcome her outgoing and devious twin sister. She turns to her high school guidance counselor for help, who is an intern at a graduate program for psychology. I think so far that she falls in love with him. It was a bit disorienting to read, partially from how devious people in the book are, partially from how naive the girl is, and partially at the thought of a romantic relationship emerging between a counselor and patient. I wonder if mental illness also breeds a form of naivety in a person without them realizing it.

That kind of day

Last night was considerably stressful and frazzling - I worked late, I slogged home in the rain, I rushed to the train station, only to find that I took the wrong train, and had to wait for a ride home. I am ashamed to say that I slipped into old bad habits, like being very negative and shouting out of frustration. It was particularly disappointing because all throughout the day, I had been doing pretty good about positive thinking and such.

I ended up waking up very tired today and it wouldn't let up. I also had a lot of irritability, which was problematic. The 2-3 hour nap felt good, but I wonder what it says about my mental health.

The eating is also getting out of control again. It's getting really tiring monitoring every little thing.

Misty Day

On days like today, where getting out of bed is a struggle, my body aches, and the weather is gloomy, I wish I could induce a manic episode to carry me through. Heck, I wish I could have a manic episode lasting for the next 3 weeks. I know that's it technically damaging to the brain, but sometimes, that litle extra boost helps.

Hectic amongst other things

This week (and last week too) has been hectic beyond imagination. It's as if a new task appears as soon as one gets completed. Perhaps the pace is to be expected, but it's starting to burn me out.

I keep having interesting thoughts on treatment today, but they swirl and disappear off. The main one I've been able to keep is about meds. In the past I expected meds to make me cheerful all the time and never feel sad. Recently, I realized that what I was expecting were recreational drugs. Right now, my current meds largely stabilize me (all I take are mood stabilizers) and so while I'm not happy all the time, I can still feel the full range of emotions. I still sometimes wish that I could be made to feel cheerful all the time.

The other thing I realized was that I worry a lot because subconsciously I think that worrying will help solve a problem. It's slowly dawning upon me that it only makes me upset and ill. As a result, I've been trying more and more to NOT worry or think about something.

That's all.

Yesterday's Lesson

Just a note: apparently, one is supposed to use CBT first, then DBT...good to know in a panic.

Relieved

Relieved. Regardless of what hour I checked in with myself, I found that I was relieved that minute, that hour, that day had passed and I had survived. I wasn't necessarily happy to be alive, just grateful that I had put time behind me.

I went to the DBSA meeting again and was disappointed. The first hour was somewhat informative and interesting, but the second hour got lost to a two-way exchange between some talkative participants. At least I got to meet up with someone from the hospital program again. I think that next time I will go to a different group - it's always tricky finding the right balance. This time, I had gone to a group aimed at my age range, but the lifestyle I've been living lately is older than my age. Which isn't to say that I'm more mature - I have lots of childish habits and interests - but hearing about substance abuse, living with parents, and looking for retail work doesn't always feel relevant. On the other hand, hearing about taking care of children, spousal issues, and looking for career moves isn't always relevant either. The common theme is supposed to be illness, but the fringe topics tip the balance.

Dreaming of Dead People

Last night I dreamt of a dead classmate. I always wake up from these dreams as if I struggled up from the bottom of the ocean, usually because the dream is so vivid. What adds to it is the fact that there is usually some lucid dreaming going on, not to mention the fact that it's a little scary to see a dead person while you sleep.
The reason why I ponder over this particular dream is that at the end I asked "How are you still alive if you're dead?". His answer was "I'm alive because you want me to be alive". This was startling, because I had lost touch with him before he died. And I wondered if mildly suicidal people could be kept alive because someone wanted them to be alive. Certainly each time I tried to kill myself, there was someone who wanted me to be alive more than anything, which probably made it harder to leave this earth. I also started to wonder if he had been bipolar as well. He had definitely had his share of depression and suicidal attempts, but he was also confusing. Some days he was withdrawn and cold, other days he was overly vivacious, and yet other days he was just normal. Given his age at the time that I knew him, it seems entirely possible...and yet it's taken almost 10 years to realize this...

Sleep or lack thereof

I'll probably repeat this over and over but the one thing I love about being hypomanic/manic is not needing to sleep and yet being able to stay awake throughout the day. When I'm not in one of those states, I tend to toss and turn at night a lot then get sleepy for the rest of the day. I thought about this a lot today because I noticed after being sleepy in DBT, I was fairly alert for the rest of the day. Even in the afternoon, when I lay down, I kind of just floated along the edge of consciousness. So I wonder which way I'll be swinging...