Sleeeeepy

It's been 4 weeks since I stopped the Zyprexa...and I'm exhausted beyond belief. Initially not sleeping much was fine because being alert during the day was worth it, but now it's caught up to me. I tried taking Zyprexa once and while it let me sleep, I felt groggy the next day and napped. Then I tried half a dose and it knocked me, but I kept waking up and was groggy. Finally, I resorted to lorazepam which REALLY knocked me out but made me so sick in the morning that I'm never taking it again. Last night I finally fell asleep of my own accord, but kept waking up after 6 hours.

What confuses me the most is that when I'm manic, I won't sleep much, but I'm not tired. In this case, I'm tired when I go to bed, I just can't sleep. So I don't really think I'm manic, especially since I can't say I have racing thoughts throughout the day...it's very confusing.

Best Weekend Ever (for now)

I am happy to announce that I have a very good 4 days this past weekend. I was able to indulge in a favorite hobby - and realize that I could still have lots of fun after all. It took a lot of energy and I felt really let down afterwards, but I was still glad to have experienced it.

Yesterday was a day off and I spent it quietly. I did chores in the morning, watched videos all afternoon, had afternoon tea (bubble tea and cupcake), read in a bookstore, came home and cooked dinner, watched more videos, and went to bed. I don't normally list what I do, but it's just to describe what a peaceful day it was. I wish my day was more like this on a regular basis...

Complications

Another week down...somehow.

I went and had my physical today and while my weight is down (take that Zyprexa!), it turns out my thyroid is low too. They're not sure if it's an isolated incident or if it's long term, so they'll test me again. I looked up the symptoms of a low thyroid and while I have some of the symptoms, one of the listed symptoms was 'depression'. Now, some of the other symptoms include fatigue, weight gain, and memory loss. That sounds like overlapping symptoms with depression. Thus, how do doctors diagnose and treat simultaneous medical issues in a person when some of the symptoms are the same?

Anhedonia

I've reached an interesting point in my anhedonia - I am obsessed with finishing/completing things. For example, if there's a book I'm reading, I'm not satisfied until it's been finished. Or a plate of food - I barely notice what I'm eating just, focused on cleaning the plate. The problem is that I don't enjoy the process along the way, meaning that I am rarely ever relaxed and in the moment, nor do I get any entertainment or satisfaction from an activity. It really makes life feel slow and chuggish.

Sleep has been off too, lots of waking up in the night or periods of insomnia. It's not quite like being manic, where I have racing thoughts or still feel perky the next day, but it is weird because I can't stop being agitated. I hope it stops because I am getting really tired.

Cleared

The storm is over for now. It's such a relief not to be caught in the throes of my mind. I've noticed that I'm resistant to my psychotherapy again. I think I need more than positive thinking and distress tolerance to help me out, but I'm using them like crazy.

It occurred to me that what I envy most are the people in the street who seem happy, healthy, and successful. To me, successful now means you have a job you do well and like and live with loved ones. Successful means you complete what you start. Right now, I want to look like those people in the subway who are smiling, who have a friend that they just ate dinner with, who look groomed and purposeful. To reach that, I realized that I will need to want to be healthy more than anything - to want to be better beyond normal want. That's fairly daunting to me.

Danger

I've been feeling suicidal these past two days. I've called some people but feel like a burden now. It's really scary dealing with these feelings since I've given up inside. I don't know how I could off myself, but if there was a surefire way offered to me right now, I think I would take it.

A Tiny Gift

Last night I had a favorable response to my dance from some people I respected. At first, I simply thought, "Oh, they're just being nice". And then I thought "Maybe I do still have a little talent in that area". Admittedly, I preferred to think that people were being charitable, but it warmed me to think that maybe I wasn't talentless.

This is important because I feel like a lot of CBT requires lying to one's self. It's supposed to be recognizing reality and sometimes it works out. But often I feel like you're supposed to tell yourself positive things about you that are a bit exaggerated. Like "You do well at your job". What if you don't? What do you do, tell yourself "At least I haven't lost my job"? Or "I'm a good person". Are you really? Do you give spare change to the homeless guy, listen considerately to others, and avoid violence?

I know I'm a pessimist, but for some things I believe I'm a realist. My realist side says "You did okay for one piece, but it doesn't mean much". On the other hand, I have a tiny bit of a dreamer and it says "You might have talent after all".

And it fades...

As strong and cheerful as I tried to be yesterday...it hit me today that I still feel really weak. Not so much physically (although I am somehow), but mentally. I'm scared to try anything hard anymore. I don't relish mental challenges and enjoy vegetating. The prospect of studying again petrifies me and I prefer to read easy light things so that my head doesn't think. I realize that by doing this, I'm weakening my mental muscles, but I can't help it. I also wonder - how much brain damage did I incur that I feel this way?

Inner Strength

So it hit me today that we are almost halfway through 2009 and that my disorder has consumed most of it. At first I was mad because I thought to myself "What a waste of a year". Then I realized a few things. First, there's still another half of a year left to go and so long as I'm striving for healthy habits and haven't ended everything, half a year in stasis won't kill me. Then I thought about the fact that I still managed to hold onto my job and was grateful. After that I realized that I had: 1) taken the GREs when I couldn't read and done respectably, 2) applied for and got into grad school, 3) choreographed a solo after years of not choreographing, 4) got into a concert with said solo, 5) joined another dance concert, 6) still had a loving boyfriend, 7) discovered what was wrong with my back, 8) found some medications that do more than past ones have.

Not so bad after all.

Now the question is whether I have the strength to get through things from here on out because it's about to ramp up pretty hard...

Sleep Study Part 1

Last night I went in for a sleep study. It was completely unlike anything I expected it to be. There's not much to say except that there were a lot of electrodes and a soft bed. I also learned that by not getting good sleep, one tends to be hungrier and overeat. That sure explains a lot.

Unfortunately, I didn't sleep well during the test and had to take a 2 hour nap before work. Even then, I wasn't my sharpest and right now have sharp head pains. I'm also starving. I hope they figure out what's wrong because I think then my depression would also be easier to deal with.

On the upside, the change in my meds seems to be helping, so that's a relief. I wonder how long it will last.

As a side note, I noticed that CVS is offering a generic version of Wellbutrin. I hope that helps some folks out there because I know that its often prescribed but pretty pricey.

Changes

Yesterday I went to the doctor and got my medications changed. I finally get to stop Zyprexa and up the Lamictal. I still don't feel any less sleepy, but it's a relief to reduce my meds. I also kicked the diet to the curb - it was making me too miserable.

I've been browsing some blogs lately and realized that on one hand, I wish I could write as informative and interesting a blog as some people I know. On the other hand, I don't really have the time nor inclination to write long detailed comments on subjects, nor do I want to be stalked. I initially had a lot to say here, but over time, there's less and less to say, especially when the depression takes over. Come to think of it, depression is probably a horrible obstacle to blogging. I wonder if there's a study out there that can verify this...

Weak

Lately, I've been sleeping as much as can, beyond what any normal healthy person would. For some reason, the world that I see in my sleep is more interesting and welcoming than anything I know in real life. I don't really care what goes on in real life anymore and I'm considering canceling all medical appointments because I don't care about them any more.

I was lying on the couch, thinking about when I was younger and realized I was stronger and more disciplined then. I think it was because I had a firm belief that I could be the best at something and I was willing to do anything - within moral reason - to get there. Nowadays I don't have anything that I want that badly, except for maybe food and sleep. It's kind of scary.

May

It's finally May. I get the oddest feeling that I will just barely hold on this month. I gave up on my support groups because it was more stress to make time for them than it was to live without them. I'm going in to see the psychiatrist again about my meds. I hope something happens there - I've been stable, but not really living life properly.