It's been almost a month since my meds adjustment and things have been functioning much better than before. I can't say I have a burning desire to live but at least I don't have a burning desire to die.
I recently celebrated my birthday in a much quieter way than in the past. Part of it was out of respect for my mother, but part of it was because I realized that a birthday is like a personal New Year's. It's a great time to contemplate, reflect, and create a plan for the coming year. My approach wasn't to create resolutions so much as to identify all the things that I have coming down the pike in the next 12 months, lay out all the factors, then decide what I could realistically handle. I'm sure that therapists would applaud and cite it as a common mental health exercise; I really don't care one way or another so long as it gets me through the year without a crisis.
***
On a different note, I have to say that what I really hate about my mood stabilizers is that I can't get the least bit hypomanic. I seem to kick into the worst part of mania, where you have no idea what you're saying, your brain is going a million miles per hour, and there's a slight sense of desperation. It would be nice to have a slight period of hypomania, just so that I could have a little fun once in a while. Lately, if I'm calm, I just want to sleep. There's just nothing to get excited about.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
A New Year
Stress. Bereavement. Lack of sleep. An anniversary of a suicide attempt.
Not a good mix to start the year off with.
I recently saw my shrink to get an adjustment in my meds; I almost missed my appointment but got whisked in after derangedly telling the receptionist "I'm having a suicidal crisis." It wasn't a lie either - earlier that morning I had been sitting on the couch with a knife contemplating the most effective way to use it. Wrists? Or Japanese style disembowelment? As it turned out, I was too exhausted to try anything and went back to bed.
I went up from 200mg of Lamictal (lamotrigine) to 250mg of Lamictal with the heavier dose at night. Bam! Out like a light and sleeping like a baby. During the day I would have an anxious, suicidal or other thought bubble up only to have it slammed down or wiped blank by an unknown force. It was almost literally a physical sensation. The psychiatrist was thrilled by this and suggested I take it further by consciously learning "thought blocking" (a CBT technique) from my therapist. It was all well and good but I still have to say it's very disorienting to have such a physical experience.
Oh well - at least I'm getting some sleep, right?
Not a good mix to start the year off with.
I recently saw my shrink to get an adjustment in my meds; I almost missed my appointment but got whisked in after derangedly telling the receptionist "I'm having a suicidal crisis." It wasn't a lie either - earlier that morning I had been sitting on the couch with a knife contemplating the most effective way to use it. Wrists? Or Japanese style disembowelment? As it turned out, I was too exhausted to try anything and went back to bed.
I went up from 200mg of Lamictal (lamotrigine) to 250mg of Lamictal with the heavier dose at night. Bam! Out like a light and sleeping like a baby. During the day I would have an anxious, suicidal or other thought bubble up only to have it slammed down or wiped blank by an unknown force. It was almost literally a physical sensation. The psychiatrist was thrilled by this and suggested I take it further by consciously learning "thought blocking" (a CBT technique) from my therapist. It was all well and good but I still have to say it's very disorienting to have such a physical experience.
Oh well - at least I'm getting some sleep, right?
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