And in the end..

...I crashed. I actually took a nap and all that. It's nice to be calmer but suddenly it's harder to get things done...

I think i'm having a manic episode right now

From a message that I just sent a bipolar friend:

Hi...I think I just had a manic episode tonight. I wasn't alone and I was on my meds but I started shaking so hard I scared my sister and myself. I've been having brilliant ideas lately but I can't tell if I make sense anymore or if they're really that great. If full manic is going at 100 mph, I feel like I'm at 80, maybe 90 mph. I like feeling smart, but I also like sleeping. I just want to be able to sleep and not shake. Sorry if I'm scaring you, I don't have anyone else to tell right now...I hope you're doing well.

The writing style alone scares me. And I've started shaking again. Drat.

New Twist

So...it turns out my mother has a Parkinson's-like disease. Because it is a genetic hereditary disease I have a 50% chance of developing it. Unfortunately it affects the production of dopamine in the brain. I don't know what the result of Parkinson's and bipolar combining are but it is not a pleasant idea...
I feel guilty for being so selfish but I am mainly worried that I am already burdening my family by having bipolar disorder. I don't want to be 60 and forced to rely on my older sister to take care of me as I fall into early dementia.

On the Verge

I'm not really sure what to do. My family is on the verge of total collapse and I'm sitting in the middle trying to decide whether to pitch in or save myself. Over the past few days I've had to use every trick I know not to fall into a nervous breakdown myself or just completely leave my family for the sake of my sanity. I'm afraid to leave because I don't want to lose my sister, the closest person to me. However, the twisted madness that is going on simply reminds me constantly of why I wanted to die.

It's times like this that I feel immense guilt and get scared about my ability to survive. Is it my bipolar that is causing the problem or my own internal weakness? Am I a bad daughter or am I dealing with impossible demands? Even if I did run away, do I deserve to have a happy life? And if I stay, can I find a reason to live while supporting people who will never be happy with what I do for them?

I don't think anybody has the right kind of advice and I don't know if it exists. I need more information but I don't know if it will come. I am scared about how to make it through the next few days when one part of my own support system is crashing down. If there was ever a time for a merciful fate to step in, this would be it.

The Energizer Bunny

I was watching one of those Energizer commercials and realized that both me and that Bunny run off the same thing: lithium.

Does this make me a battery with a long-lasting life? I only wish...

Academic Aid

For anyone looking for scholarship money as they battle bipolar disorder or schizophrenic type disorders, you should check this out:

http://www.reintegration.com/resources/scholarships/apply.asp
lillyscholarships@reintegration.com

1 year

Approximately 1 year ago I attempted to kill myself on a Monday after what had been a stressful weekend. I had been feeling pretty strong and confident through Christmas, then became uncertain and helpless about my situation in life through New Year's eve. After an exhausting trip, a day alone, and a large fight with my boyfriend, I overdosed on pills.

This past weekend was more stressful than I thought it could ever be. I went into the end of the year feeling near manic and very confident about my goals and plans. I was focused and determined, ready to face my fears and just go for broke. Within the past few days, my strength has been completely shattered and I am trying to find some stability. I am trying not to think about any changes that need to be made with my life or what actions need to be taken, I am simply trying to figure out how to keep floating for a bit longer till I feel less threatened.

The biggest thing affecting me is the fact that my boyfriend's mother, who is very kind to me, recently revealed that she thinks that not only should bipolar people not have children, they also shouldn't marry because their disorder ruins the lives of everyone around them (she doesn't know that I have bipolar). It is true that I have asked a lot of my family and boyfriend during the past few years and that I will have to continue to need help for the rest of my life. I also still fear that I cannot live an independent functional life and I know that other people do too. But when I heard what my boyfriend's mother said, I went into a near state of shock not only because I suddenly felt like I needed to leave my boyfriend right then and there but that I was also unfit for any relationship during the rest of my life. That made me feel terribly alone. I know that her opinion is probably based on common misconception, but the idea that someone doesn't deserve love because of a disorder that they didn't ask for is hurtful.

So now, I am feeling really vulnerable and exposed, questioning whether I have permission to expect or demand something or if it means that I am an unreasonable person because my disorder renders me so. If my sensitivity will just label me moody and volatile because it's attributed to my bipolar (there's no real connection). And ultimately, whether I have the strength to try to keep living as a normal person even it makes me feel exhausted and sick sometimes.

Here's to 2010. My first New Year's resolution is to try to make it through the day.