We Can't Always Be "Fine"

 The reaction from my psychiatrist when I told him the results of my ADOS: 

"Everyone's a little bit autistic. It doesn't really affect you. You got a PhD. You're fine."

Ah the joys of living in an Asian society!

Jokes aside, I have noticed that people desperately want to believe that I am "fine" - that I am cured of all ills, that I have somehow beat the odds, that I have somehow trained myself to be perfectly healthy and neurotypical. That would be convenient. Any kind of abnormality makes other people uncomfortable.

The truth...goes back to how we view education. We set definitions of what is an "A", "B", "C"...what "learning outcomes" are, what metrics to evaluate on. As long as students perform or demonstrate excellence, that's all that matters. Effort or distress doesn't matter - this is something mirrored in the rest of society.

What I'm realizing now is that performing at "A" level doesn't really mean much if the effort and distress involved is unsustainable. If anything, you end up disappointing people more when you can't repeat your performance. That's basically how it feels right now. I feel like I overcompensated trying to just get a "C" and now that I accidentally got some "As" and "Bs" that I can't go back to comfortably getting a "C" especially when I see how happy it makes other people.

I guess that's why I like skateboarding so much. I can be an "F" student and still be accepted. That's all I ever wanted in life. To be accepted regardless of my achievements. To make friends with people I could trust and respect even if they are penniless or deadbeat because they are good at heart and in action. Apparently those two things are hard for people to do regardless of their privilege.

Everything I've ever known about the world and how it works has been thrown into question. Things like visas, closed borders, etc. make it more complicated. Living in the USA, I never worried about these things. I never imagined the need to live abroad. Now, it's started to dictate a lot of my long term decisions.

2021 is supposedly here, but I suspect that it is waiting until Chinese New Year to really wake up.

Time to rise from the ashes...

 On January 9, 2021, I went in for an adult autism spectrum disorder (ASD) assessment. I left with the missing puzzle piece to my life, the reason why reaching stability with bipolar disorder (BD) still hadn't solved certain challenges in life...I wasn't a willfully bad or broken person. I was just literally wired differently, both in the brain and the body.

Being a geeky type, I looked it up and yes, ASD and BD can be co-morbid. Add in that fibromyalgia and BD can be co-morbid and that dietary recommendations for ASD and fibromyalgia overlap...okay, yes, everything makes sense there. It was explaining why I felt like such a fake in life and wanted to give up everything to go live like a hermit in a forest. Why contact improvisation jams are just so darn scary!

But most importantly - for the first time in a long time - I no longer felt the sense of being suicidal. This is significant because I usually get suicidal around my birthday (which is coming up soon). No, this time, I got ANGRY.

Why?

1. I was angry because most of my misery in life came from not understanding how the world worked. 
2. I was angry because I was being blamed or ostracized for my weird way of trying to make sense of this world.
3. I was angry because this society is not designed for people with conditions like mine (although it's admittedly gotten better over the past 20 years).
4. I am angry because well-meaning people would say "Oh don't let a label define you" - newsflash: people will label you anyways, so at least I want to have agency over which one and its accuracy.
5. I am angry because well-meaning people would say "Oh don't tell anyone because it's too personal" - newsflash: this is why stigma exists. Comfort for the masses at the expense of the minority.
6. I am angry because people would say "Oh but you function so well and look fine and are perfectly nice" - newsflash: this is called "passing" and there is a price to pay in order to "pass" so that everyone else feels comfortable. 

There are many other things, but the last item is probably what has landed me in hot water. The reality is that for all of my conditions, the only real solutions are lifestyle management, having control over my environment, and learning behaviors that help you get through society. There is no magic pill or cure. And all of this generally sends the message that general society is not comfortable with aberrant or erratic behavior coming from the non-privileged/non-elite.

Before receiving the ASD diagnosis, I got a lot of criticism, concern and general exasperation from those around me. It made me think that I was a bad person and that I needed to become some kind of role model BD patient. I chalk this up to the model immigrant mentality that was imposed upon my parents and many others in the the USA. I was managing to pull it off with some very creative scheduling, explanations, and other random strategies. This lasted for about 3-4 years until I started my new job. Then everything started falling apart again.

So - now I know that I'm not just selfishly sensitive or unable to adapt. My brain is now doubly confirmed to have trouble with certain situations. My nerves and body cannot handle sitting at a desk from 9-6 in a small room shared with two other people, including my direct boss. My sleeping habits have trouble with such a schedule. I can tone down certain things, but it's looking like I would need to do nothing but sleep and work if I want to maintain my stability. As much as I enjoy my job, it's not THAT satisfying.

Add in my addictive tendencies and you get a recipe for disaster. I've started developing alcoholic tendencies (not in terms of quantity but in terms of purpose). I'm struggling with some other addictions. When this happens, I know that I'm super distressed. This makes me really question whether having professional prestige and a good salary is really worth it. When I have enough time and control over my settings, I don't need much in life. But when I lack time and control over my life, I keep needing to compensate with things that drain my financial and other other resources.

2021. Year of the Ox. A good year for Rats. I finished my bucket list, so I have nothing keeping me tied to anything. External debts have been paid off. No other major commitments keeping me bound to anything - divorced, childless, so on so forth. I have no intention of harming anyone else with my behavior - no crime sprees, no hateful speech, etc - but it's clear that I have a toxic relationship with Life. 

Time to make like a phoenix and rise from the ashes...