And in the end..

...I crashed. I actually took a nap and all that. It's nice to be calmer but suddenly it's harder to get things done...

I think i'm having a manic episode right now

From a message that I just sent a bipolar friend:

Hi...I think I just had a manic episode tonight. I wasn't alone and I was on my meds but I started shaking so hard I scared my sister and myself. I've been having brilliant ideas lately but I can't tell if I make sense anymore or if they're really that great. If full manic is going at 100 mph, I feel like I'm at 80, maybe 90 mph. I like feeling smart, but I also like sleeping. I just want to be able to sleep and not shake. Sorry if I'm scaring you, I don't have anyone else to tell right now...I hope you're doing well.

The writing style alone scares me. And I've started shaking again. Drat.

New Twist

So...it turns out my mother has a Parkinson's-like disease. Because it is a genetic hereditary disease I have a 50% chance of developing it. Unfortunately it affects the production of dopamine in the brain. I don't know what the result of Parkinson's and bipolar combining are but it is not a pleasant idea...
I feel guilty for being so selfish but I am mainly worried that I am already burdening my family by having bipolar disorder. I don't want to be 60 and forced to rely on my older sister to take care of me as I fall into early dementia.

On the Verge

I'm not really sure what to do. My family is on the verge of total collapse and I'm sitting in the middle trying to decide whether to pitch in or save myself. Over the past few days I've had to use every trick I know not to fall into a nervous breakdown myself or just completely leave my family for the sake of my sanity. I'm afraid to leave because I don't want to lose my sister, the closest person to me. However, the twisted madness that is going on simply reminds me constantly of why I wanted to die.

It's times like this that I feel immense guilt and get scared about my ability to survive. Is it my bipolar that is causing the problem or my own internal weakness? Am I a bad daughter or am I dealing with impossible demands? Even if I did run away, do I deserve to have a happy life? And if I stay, can I find a reason to live while supporting people who will never be happy with what I do for them?

I don't think anybody has the right kind of advice and I don't know if it exists. I need more information but I don't know if it will come. I am scared about how to make it through the next few days when one part of my own support system is crashing down. If there was ever a time for a merciful fate to step in, this would be it.