This morning was like landing with a thud from a floaty cloud. All the agitation and excitement from yesterday had washed away and I stared out the window wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into. Might have also just been waking up at 6:30 am (I usually get up at 8).
I kind of limped along to DBT group this morning - the endorphins from last night had masked a slight sprained ankle. DBT was on mindfulness again, which I know I need, but tends to relax me to the point of sleepiness. Of course, when I'm actually trying to go to bed, it doesn't work. Of course. It's always strange how having an age difference in the group affects the dynamics - it really shouldn't, but somehow it does.
A random question I've had is why the majority of support group attendees and caretakers (psychiatrists, therapists, social workers, etc) are white. I've seen Asian doctors visiting from their countries, but otherwise no Hispanic, African-American, or Asian or any other ethnic group - well, okay I've seen African-American staffers/counselors, but rarely doctors. I also wonder about the patients...I guess I'll look around carefully during the DBSA meeting tomorrow...
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Hard to Feel Blessed
This afternoon/evening was one long CBT exercise. I kept running into situation after situation where the depressed and anxious side of me wanted to think negatively and the other side of me kept having to go "no no no - positive thinking POSITIVE thinking!".
Cases in point:
1) I received news that my dance piece had passed the audition. At first I was all "yay!" and then immediately I was like "oh no! what if I fail to finish the piece - it's so much work!". What I should have been thinking was "They liked the piece, you have 4 weeks to finish, be proud of how far you've come" *
2) I go to reserve my free studio time only to find that there's very little free space/time. I immediately feel frustrated and frazzled instead of reminding myself that there are alternate places I could go to practice.
3) I want to celebrate, but have no time to really go out, so I go treat myself to a frozen tart yogurt. Instead of being mindful and enjoying the tangy yogurt and sweet mango, I feel pitiful celebrating all alone. Mind you, I should have been delighted to even be having the yogurt since I have denied myself that yogurt for MONTHS.
4) I come into ballet class and my friend isn't there and the teacher is someone who really shouldn't teach (probably dances wonderfully, can't teach a whit). My legs ache, my feet won't point, and of course in general, I feel like a crappy dancer. So, instead of patting myself on the back for even coming to class on a rainy day (I never dance well on a rainy day) on top of having WORKED OUT a few hours earlier, I get down on myself for being so out of shape.
Honestly...today was like a gigantic CBT exercise in action.
*I had a nervous breakdown over dance, but that's another story
Cases in point:
1) I received news that my dance piece had passed the audition. At first I was all "yay!" and then immediately I was like "oh no! what if I fail to finish the piece - it's so much work!". What I should have been thinking was "They liked the piece, you have 4 weeks to finish, be proud of how far you've come" *
2) I go to reserve my free studio time only to find that there's very little free space/time. I immediately feel frustrated and frazzled instead of reminding myself that there are alternate places I could go to practice.
3) I want to celebrate, but have no time to really go out, so I go treat myself to a frozen tart yogurt. Instead of being mindful and enjoying the tangy yogurt and sweet mango, I feel pitiful celebrating all alone. Mind you, I should have been delighted to even be having the yogurt since I have denied myself that yogurt for MONTHS.
4) I come into ballet class and my friend isn't there and the teacher is someone who really shouldn't teach (probably dances wonderfully, can't teach a whit). My legs ache, my feet won't point, and of course in general, I feel like a crappy dancer. So, instead of patting myself on the back for even coming to class on a rainy day (I never dance well on a rainy day) on top of having WORKED OUT a few hours earlier, I get down on myself for being so out of shape.
Honestly...today was like a gigantic CBT exercise in action.
*I had a nervous breakdown over dance, but that's another story
Rain
It's gray and drizzly, I got poor sleep, a pile of work landed on my desk, and I feel like an underachieving loser because my coworkers are all handling large and amazing projects. What a way to start a Monday - I hate it when Fate tosses a bunch of thing in my way that all trigger my depression.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Work
It's Sunday. A day of relaxation, tranquility, and in today's case, rain. Normally I enjoy my Sundays, but lately I've noticed a slight edginess around 7 pm, when it hits me that the week is about to start anew and I have no control over its arrival. Deep down, I know I ought to be grateful for work in these difficult times, but given its effect on my mental health, it's like trying to be grateful that your stove works while it burns your arms.
To give a little history, I was hospitalized in January, threw myself back into work for a month, had a relapse, got into a day program, and returned on shortened hours 2 weeks ago. Normally, I've been told, most people don't go back to work so quickly. I know that I've propelled myself to go back out of guilt, guilt that my bosses are being so nice and accommodating of my condition and doctor's appointments. I can see now why people don't go back so fast - regardless of whatever factors you're dealing with, adding the stresses of your job don't seem like such a great idea. In my case, I deal with negative thought, passive-aggressiveness, low self-esteem, low self-confidence, memory/knowledge loss, and dozing off.
Last Friday, I experienced a classic example of what tends to make me depressed and off my rocker for a while: a difficult client e-mails in to me and my teammate for help a half hour before my shift ends. After I respond, she misunderstands my words, writes an indignant e-mail to me, my teammate, and our bosses' boss, decrying service. By the time we've calmed her down, it's 15 minutes to my shift's end. My teammate is offering to go down and see her even though she's technically my client. The thing about this teammate is that he makes workaholics look lazy. That day, he had just finished handling an emergency job worth millions of dollars, covered for our supervisor, and looked exhausted. So I tried to get him to help me stave off the visit while we find a solution, except that she just oh so conveniently has everything we need to help her. Finally, after staying a half hour later, I take off to catch my train. I find out afterwards that my teammate stayed till 6:30 helping this client.
Thus, at 6:30 pm, I am feeling: a) anxious from having been chewed out, b) frazzled from trying to find a last minute solution, c) guilty that my teammate took on the job, d) resentful that he handled my client, and e) feeling like a loser because I don't work myself to the bone like him. By nature our department works hard, but not as hard as my team, which includes the super teammate and the two bosses. How does this all relate to being bipolar, depressed or otherwise?
I guess my point is that when everyday is a struggle just to keep things together enough to wake up and walk out the door, having events like that happen is like a gale of wind rush through a rickety house frame. I literally had a brief flash of wanting to kill myself because I was so overwhelmed. That doesn't seem healthy or normal to me. And while these events don't happen everyday, something shakeworthy usually pops up every 3-7 days. During the off days, I'm sitting in a 6x6 windowless room in a basement without any nice small tasks to do, just big scary ones like reading manuals or checking over the entire database for our office. If I had nice small tasks to do for a period of time, I could stop ruminating, have a sense of accomplishment, and maybe just be calm for a bit. I wish I had the ability to tackle the bigger tasks, but for some reason, they overwhelm me to the point where I get psyched out.
So if you're someone out there who is unemployed, mentally ill, and is dying for work and wants to smack me upside the head for being an ingrate, I accept that. But I also hope that there's someone out there who can relate and maybe be brave enough to let me know how they survived a job that would send them into a spiral of despair.
To give a little history, I was hospitalized in January, threw myself back into work for a month, had a relapse, got into a day program, and returned on shortened hours 2 weeks ago. Normally, I've been told, most people don't go back to work so quickly. I know that I've propelled myself to go back out of guilt, guilt that my bosses are being so nice and accommodating of my condition and doctor's appointments. I can see now why people don't go back so fast - regardless of whatever factors you're dealing with, adding the stresses of your job don't seem like such a great idea. In my case, I deal with negative thought, passive-aggressiveness, low self-esteem, low self-confidence, memory/knowledge loss, and dozing off.
Last Friday, I experienced a classic example of what tends to make me depressed and off my rocker for a while: a difficult client e-mails in to me and my teammate for help a half hour before my shift ends. After I respond, she misunderstands my words, writes an indignant e-mail to me, my teammate, and our bosses' boss, decrying service. By the time we've calmed her down, it's 15 minutes to my shift's end. My teammate is offering to go down and see her even though she's technically my client. The thing about this teammate is that he makes workaholics look lazy. That day, he had just finished handling an emergency job worth millions of dollars, covered for our supervisor, and looked exhausted. So I tried to get him to help me stave off the visit while we find a solution, except that she just oh so conveniently has everything we need to help her. Finally, after staying a half hour later, I take off to catch my train. I find out afterwards that my teammate stayed till 6:30 helping this client.
Thus, at 6:30 pm, I am feeling: a) anxious from having been chewed out, b) frazzled from trying to find a last minute solution, c) guilty that my teammate took on the job, d) resentful that he handled my client, and e) feeling like a loser because I don't work myself to the bone like him. By nature our department works hard, but not as hard as my team, which includes the super teammate and the two bosses. How does this all relate to being bipolar, depressed or otherwise?
I guess my point is that when everyday is a struggle just to keep things together enough to wake up and walk out the door, having events like that happen is like a gale of wind rush through a rickety house frame. I literally had a brief flash of wanting to kill myself because I was so overwhelmed. That doesn't seem healthy or normal to me. And while these events don't happen everyday, something shakeworthy usually pops up every 3-7 days. During the off days, I'm sitting in a 6x6 windowless room in a basement without any nice small tasks to do, just big scary ones like reading manuals or checking over the entire database for our office. If I had nice small tasks to do for a period of time, I could stop ruminating, have a sense of accomplishment, and maybe just be calm for a bit. I wish I had the ability to tackle the bigger tasks, but for some reason, they overwhelm me to the point where I get psyched out.
So if you're someone out there who is unemployed, mentally ill, and is dying for work and wants to smack me upside the head for being an ingrate, I accept that. But I also hope that there's someone out there who can relate and maybe be brave enough to let me know how they survived a job that would send them into a spiral of despair.
Nerves
I had my first real choreographic audition today. I haven't choreographed in 3 years. It was interesting to observe my anxiety overtake me, first with negative thoughts, then with shaking hands. Even as I type, I am still shaking, although whether from nerves or lithium (don't you just love the side effects of lithium?) I don't know. When the negative thoughts overcame me, I was sitting in the train and I wasn't sure whether to turn to CBT or DBT for help. It was kind of like "Should I mood monitor or should I be mindful? Change my thinking or completely empty my mind?". At that rate, klonapin might have been more useful, based off of what I hear, but my anxiety probably wasn't at the level that most people with anxiety disorder have. Ultimately, the audition went well, although the negative thinking kept racing through my head, throughout the audition, and followed me out the door. I think I better keep working on my CBT skills...
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Quiet Saturday
The weather was absolutely beautiful today. It was really calming to have the sun coming down on my head and no cold wind, just a tickling calm breeze. The only flaw today was the constant ruminating in my head over things that are beyond my control. I hate always worrying and wondering and being anxious over things that can't be fixed or changed at that moment. It probably added to why I was mildly irritable today.
There were two interesting events today. One was an episode of Law and Order. In it, they were investigating mental illness patients (bipolar, schizophrenia, etc)as murder patients. Throughout, they kept emphasizing the need for patients to comply with their medications and seeing their caretakers. At one point, one of the detectives stated that patients should be forced to take meds for the safety of the general population. Now, I've agreed to take meds and I understand that when someone is psychotic, it can be dangerous. On the other hand, I felt like they were trying to imply that mentally ill people are dangerous and their judgement is not to be trusted. As a mother in the show pointed out, the media has done a thorough job of making the general public cautious of mentally ill people, and in this case, the TV show wasn't helping. Since I didn't see the episode till the end, I don't know if they changed their tune, but it was discouraging to see that bit.
The other interesting event was at the bookstore. Right now, I'm battling weight gain caused by Zyprexa and so have started to restrict my calories and increase my exercise. The problem is that I'm someone who loves food to begin with and so having increased hunger cravings is really problematic. So, I walked to the coffee counter and decided I was going to be good and only have a 140 calorie tea drink. I eyed the Yukon gold potato chips, but held back. Then I sat down. All of sudden, a huge craving for those potato chips came over me. I tried focusing on my book, but I'd keep getting up to stare at the chips, walking back and forth. Luckily, I managed to avoid buying those chips, but it was so tough!
It might seem trivial, but hopefully it resonates with any body out there on meds that increase appetite.
There were two interesting events today. One was an episode of Law and Order. In it, they were investigating mental illness patients (bipolar, schizophrenia, etc)as murder patients. Throughout, they kept emphasizing the need for patients to comply with their medications and seeing their caretakers. At one point, one of the detectives stated that patients should be forced to take meds for the safety of the general population. Now, I've agreed to take meds and I understand that when someone is psychotic, it can be dangerous. On the other hand, I felt like they were trying to imply that mentally ill people are dangerous and their judgement is not to be trusted. As a mother in the show pointed out, the media has done a thorough job of making the general public cautious of mentally ill people, and in this case, the TV show wasn't helping. Since I didn't see the episode till the end, I don't know if they changed their tune, but it was discouraging to see that bit.
The other interesting event was at the bookstore. Right now, I'm battling weight gain caused by Zyprexa and so have started to restrict my calories and increase my exercise. The problem is that I'm someone who loves food to begin with and so having increased hunger cravings is really problematic. So, I walked to the coffee counter and decided I was going to be good and only have a 140 calorie tea drink. I eyed the Yukon gold potato chips, but held back. Then I sat down. All of sudden, a huge craving for those potato chips came over me. I tried focusing on my book, but I'd keep getting up to stare at the chips, walking back and forth. Luckily, I managed to avoid buying those chips, but it was so tough!
It might seem trivial, but hopefully it resonates with any body out there on meds that increase appetite.
The First Step
Usually I'm not good about writing blogs. I start up one and then get too busy or ill to continue or get discouraged because no one visits. In this case though, I feel like it will be good for me since both in and out of the hospital I'm told to constantly keep monitoring and logging my condition.
I'm a 24 year old female with bipolar disorder, type II. I was originally diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 14, but it changed after I hit adulthood. Over those 10 years, I have attempted to commit suicide 3 times and was hospitalized twice. The past 3 years I tried to live without meds or psychotherapy, but this year, I found that I couldn't do it any longer - it seems that it takes a really strong person to be able to do that without it also taking a major toll on their loved ones.
I know that it's normally a huge risk to reveal all this about one's self, but after having repeated this history so many times, it feels like I should wear a sign around my neck. Normally there's some protection since it's told to either medical professionals or within a support group, but who's to say that someone's not going to accidentally let slip that they met so-and-so with this-and-that history? Also, I hate the stigmatization that comes with mental illness - I always feel like I have to hide this part of me and I feel like there are others around me doing the same.
The reason I call this the Lithium Log is because lithium is one of my medications. I'm on several others, but I feel like those might change at any given time. There's also the fact that lithium is a classic medication for bipolar disorder, so it seems appropriate.
Today seems neutral so far - it's already past noon, so I just have to manage through the next 11 hours without too many ups or downs. I've been ruminating a lot and being in a funk, but I also just got a good night's sleep after a week, so we'll see how it goes.
I'm a 24 year old female with bipolar disorder, type II. I was originally diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 14, but it changed after I hit adulthood. Over those 10 years, I have attempted to commit suicide 3 times and was hospitalized twice. The past 3 years I tried to live without meds or psychotherapy, but this year, I found that I couldn't do it any longer - it seems that it takes a really strong person to be able to do that without it also taking a major toll on their loved ones.
I know that it's normally a huge risk to reveal all this about one's self, but after having repeated this history so many times, it feels like I should wear a sign around my neck. Normally there's some protection since it's told to either medical professionals or within a support group, but who's to say that someone's not going to accidentally let slip that they met so-and-so with this-and-that history? Also, I hate the stigmatization that comes with mental illness - I always feel like I have to hide this part of me and I feel like there are others around me doing the same.
The reason I call this the Lithium Log is because lithium is one of my medications. I'm on several others, but I feel like those might change at any given time. There's also the fact that lithium is a classic medication for bipolar disorder, so it seems appropriate.
Today seems neutral so far - it's already past noon, so I just have to manage through the next 11 hours without too many ups or downs. I've been ruminating a lot and being in a funk, but I also just got a good night's sleep after a week, so we'll see how it goes.
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