1 year

Approximately 1 year ago I attempted to kill myself on a Monday after what had been a stressful weekend. I had been feeling pretty strong and confident through Christmas, then became uncertain and helpless about my situation in life through New Year's eve. After an exhausting trip, a day alone, and a large fight with my boyfriend, I overdosed on pills.

This past weekend was more stressful than I thought it could ever be. I went into the end of the year feeling near manic and very confident about my goals and plans. I was focused and determined, ready to face my fears and just go for broke. Within the past few days, my strength has been completely shattered and I am trying to find some stability. I am trying not to think about any changes that need to be made with my life or what actions need to be taken, I am simply trying to figure out how to keep floating for a bit longer till I feel less threatened.

The biggest thing affecting me is the fact that my boyfriend's mother, who is very kind to me, recently revealed that she thinks that not only should bipolar people not have children, they also shouldn't marry because their disorder ruins the lives of everyone around them (she doesn't know that I have bipolar). It is true that I have asked a lot of my family and boyfriend during the past few years and that I will have to continue to need help for the rest of my life. I also still fear that I cannot live an independent functional life and I know that other people do too. But when I heard what my boyfriend's mother said, I went into a near state of shock not only because I suddenly felt like I needed to leave my boyfriend right then and there but that I was also unfit for any relationship during the rest of my life. That made me feel terribly alone. I know that her opinion is probably based on common misconception, but the idea that someone doesn't deserve love because of a disorder that they didn't ask for is hurtful.

So now, I am feeling really vulnerable and exposed, questioning whether I have permission to expect or demand something or if it means that I am an unreasonable person because my disorder renders me so. If my sensitivity will just label me moody and volatile because it's attributed to my bipolar (there's no real connection). And ultimately, whether I have the strength to try to keep living as a normal person even it makes me feel exhausted and sick sometimes.

Here's to 2010. My first New Year's resolution is to try to make it through the day.