A New Year

Stress. Bereavement. Lack of sleep.  An anniversary of a suicide attempt.  

Not a good mix to start the year off with.

I recently saw my shrink to get an adjustment in my meds; I almost missed my appointment but got whisked in after derangedly telling the receptionist "I'm having a suicidal crisis."  It wasn't a lie either - earlier that morning I had been sitting on the couch with a knife contemplating the most effective way to use it.  Wrists? Or Japanese style disembowelment?  As it turned out, I was too exhausted to try anything and went back to bed.

I went up from 200mg of Lamictal (lamotrigine) to 250mg of Lamictal with the heavier dose at night.  Bam! Out like a light and sleeping like a baby.  During the day I would have an anxious, suicidal or other thought bubble up only to have it slammed down or wiped blank by an unknown force.  It was almost literally a physical sensation.  The psychiatrist was thrilled by this and suggested I take it further by consciously learning "thought blocking" (a CBT technique) from my therapist.  It was all well and good but I still have to say it's very disorienting to have such a physical experience.

Oh well - at least I'm getting some sleep, right?