The First Step

Usually I'm not good about writing blogs. I start up one and then get too busy or ill to continue or get discouraged because no one visits. In this case though, I feel like it will be good for me since both in and out of the hospital I'm told to constantly keep monitoring and logging my condition.

I'm a 24 year old female with bipolar disorder, type II. I was originally diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 14, but it changed after I hit adulthood. Over those 10 years, I have attempted to commit suicide 3 times and was hospitalized twice. The past 3 years I tried to live without meds or psychotherapy, but this year, I found that I couldn't do it any longer - it seems that it takes a really strong person to be able to do that without it also taking a major toll on their loved ones.
I know that it's normally a huge risk to reveal all this about one's self, but after having repeated this history so many times, it feels like I should wear a sign around my neck. Normally there's some protection since it's told to either medical professionals or within a support group, but who's to say that someone's not going to accidentally let slip that they met so-and-so with this-and-that history? Also, I hate the stigmatization that comes with mental illness - I always feel like I have to hide this part of me and I feel like there are others around me doing the same.

The reason I call this the Lithium Log is because lithium is one of my medications. I'm on several others, but I feel like those might change at any given time. There's also the fact that lithium is a classic medication for bipolar disorder, so it seems appropriate.

Today seems neutral so far - it's already past noon, so I just have to manage through the next 11 hours without too many ups or downs. I've been ruminating a lot and being in a funk, but I also just got a good night's sleep after a week, so we'll see how it goes.