Completely Depressed

It's hit me like a fist in the stomach. The lack of sleep, the dilemmas, the diet, being alone, working in a job I don't like...I feel like a sinking stone in a deep lake. Last night was DBSA night, but somehow, airing out my grievances and listening to others share theirs didn't seem appealing. I realized that I find some weird comfort in sitting at home moping and ruminating, worrying and futzing. It gives a false air of doing something, of being productive by thinking about it. Part of me wants to be cheerful and happy, but honestly, I don't know what makes me happy anymore. All the things that made me gleeful last year don't this year. All the things that made me cheerful two months ago don't now. I really hate this depression and trying to stand on my two feet. I want my mania back. Or at least the calm neutral feelings.