Irresponsible

I'm thinking about what I said about mental illness and being naive and realize that lately, I feel like I'm being more responsible for my actions these days. In the past, I would moan "Why is this happening to me?" whereas now it feels more like "This is happening to me, I need to get through it". That isn't to say that I now always have full control over my actions or recognize when I'm letting illness take over and cause me to react in very immature ways. I'm just starting to recognize when I let depression affect how I interacted with others or relied on mania for creative spurts and courage. I'm not sure how or if other mental illnesses affect responsibility like this, or if others even feel this at all.

Lately, I've been feeling uneasy about how much less I worry about things in my life, as if I'm being lazy or unproductive by not worrying. I'm also still not looking forward to the rest of my life, not even to the next day. I don't have thoughts of killing myself anymore, but at the same time, I'm not sure I look forward to the next 5 years...I don't know why.