Cloudy

Every Sunday at 7 I seem to get depressed. This means that Monday morning, I barely seem to be able to get up. I would attribute this to having a case of the Mondays, except that according to my logs, I've either been depressed or frazzled for most of the past 3 weeks. Rarely do I list myself as feeling happy. There was that one lucky week where I was just feeling clear and empty, but it hasn't come back since. I get the suspicion that the mood stabilizers primarily remove the manic episodes and keep my low moods from getting too low, but that my baseline is still stuck below 'happy'. I wonder if the missing piece is sleep. Even when I had the chance to sleep 14 hours, I kept waking up...

I keep thinking about my past and my future a lot, even though I'm trying to train myself not to. When I think about my past, I feel like I have a lot to atone for. When I think about my future, I keep thinking about how to play it safe. I don't want my bipolar disorder to interfere with my life again, but I'm not sure how to guarantee that.